Cry Havoc!

I sit at work in the gathering dusk, lamenting the meandering fortunes of the Tetrahedron of Zinthar.

We began, Benjamin, Indiana and I, as a simple, happy-go-lucky Triangle in a local 30 Seconds tournament. Our dashing physiques, easy bravura and glibness of tongue created a sensation. But now, six months on, we find ourselves a grizzled, disenchanted Tetrahedron without a permanent fourth vertex. A gruelling crusade through 9 weeks of quizzes has left us with only one win and many ignominious defeats. The effect has been most palpable on Benjamin, who has had to endure the shame of being beaten by his girlfriend's team on several occasions, leaving him drawn and broken. Even Indiana has failed to make progress seducing our rather fetching quizmistress - despite a stellar opening move involving a well-brandished DVD of Breakfast at Tiffany's. We had never been so downcast.

As a last desperate bid, we have recruited a high-risk sub for tonight: the Anaesthetist formerly known as Crazy Woman. We hope that her extremely colourful past and exceptionally dubious character will bring much-needed balance to the Tetrahedron. Already the opposition have responded, with arch-rival Cat's Paw (Batman, Craigus and Adam) announcing their sudden recruitment of the feared Arbitrageur, "One Page" Bill, fresh from his MBA at Warwick, and diffidently sporting a PhD in Nuclear Physics for additional intimidation purposes.

Clearly this has become a battle of credentials. They tally up as follows:

Tetrahedron: BSc(Hons), BBusSc, BA, LLB, BSc(Eng), MSc(Eng), MBChB, MD
Cat's Paw: BSc(Eng), BSc(Hons), BA, LLB, BSc(Hons), PhD, MBA

Too close to call. This intrepid vertex departs for the fray and will report back tomorrow when the dust settles.

Defects of Character

In the uncertain world of contracting - especially if one is given to abusing resources or picking fights with permanent staff - it is important to maintain a ready and glowing CV, to be dispatched to recruiters at a moment's notice. Feeling a bout of stroppiness coming on, I felt it wise to update said document, and considered which glorious accomplishments from my past might best recommend me to an unsuspecting employer.

These are some of the ones that I reluctantly chose to omit.

(Intellectual Achievement) I memorised the hardness scale of minerals at age 7, and can still recite it: Talc, gypsum, calcite, fluorite, apetite, orthoclase, quartz, topaz, corundum, diamond.

(Cultural Achievement) I won a flower-arranging competition at school at age 9. The (not remotely straight) judge, toupeed art teacher Jac Theron, threw up his arms and said he absolutely loved it because it was so "natural". The girls were all very impressed.

(Constitutional Robustness) I once ate 45 Monty Bars in one weekend when my parents were away.

(Physical Prowess) I won the last real fight that I was involved in (at age 10). It ended when I bit the other guy on his thigh. That ended the friendship.

(Literary Pastimes) I read Watership Down seven times between the ages of 7 and 16.

(Dedication) I once drove 21 times consecutively the wrong way round the circle at the end of Tokai road at 4 'o' clock in the morning.

(Revolutionary Idealism) A rebellious five-year-old in pre-school, I apparently flatly refused to do bunny-hops in a circle with the other children, instead hopping on one leg in the other direction.

(Musical Pursuits) I adore and can sing both the main Minmei songs from Robotech word for word. I never, ever do this in public.

(Sensitivity) As a child, I was terrorised by the rubber dinosaurs in The Land that Time Forgot, and haven't been able to handle horror movies ever since. I am currently trying to pluck up the courage to watch the second half of The Cell.

(Hobbies) Most children collected stamps or stickers. I collected rocks, interestingly-shaped sticks, bullet casings and the lead seals from wine bottles.

(Appreciation for Life Imititating Art) Listening to Corey Hart's "Sunglasses at Night", I drove home one night wearing my sunglasses. Tres, tres cool.

(Novel Evolutionary Throwbacks) I have a Simian crease on my left palm. Then again, my father claims to have a vestigial gill just in front of his right ear. I think he is actually Aquaman.